A Bare Gentle Directness Among Rhetorical Kinfolk

Beberapa kawan aku itu hari ada pergi Ijtimak Tabligh Sedunia kat KLIA.. Wau, aku sangat respek kat diorang sebab sanggup menghabiskan masa 3 hari mencari kekuatan rohani dalam himpunan jemaah tabligh tahunan yang kali ni dibuat di Malaysia.

200,000 jemaah tabligh dari seluruh pelusuk dunia berhimpun di sana. Gambar sebelah menunjukkan jemaah berbangsa Cina.

So, dorang ni aku nampak.. yang dulu takde hala tuju.. dah mula betulkan alignment masing-masing. Alhamdulillah. Tapi bila aku sebut yang 'iman' yang lemah akan membuatkan segalanya menjadi satu kitaran semata-mata... dorang setuju. Maka dorang pun menasihat aku gak la.. supaya kembali..

Aku pun terima dengan hati terbuka la nasihat-nasihat tu. Ye lah.. bukan nak kata "korang pun tah lama mana boleh pertahankan lima waktu..". Tapi paling penting, sok kalau aku mati, aku sorang-sorang jugak.

Kadang aku sedar gak. Sampai bila aku nak clubbing semua tu. Kalau dengar lagu House takyah pergi disko tak boleh ke? Boleh jugak kan? Sebab aku ni orang seni. Penghayatan muzik aku tak perlu sampai ke disko.

Orang yang menghayati muzik dengan terpaksa pergi ke disko sebenarnya menggunakan muzik sebagai alasan. Padahal dia nak cuci mata dan pening-pening kebas-kebas. Betul tak? Jangan kincing lah! Been there done that. Esok lusa taktau la. Tuhan tak pernah bagi benda yang tak baik. Dia cuma bagi yang baik-baik je. Kita je cari benda yang tak baik. Kannn..

Apa pun, aku bersyukur gak lah dengan apa yang dah terjadi semenjak dua menjak ni yang membuatkan berlaku transformasi ke atas diri aku. ( Sambil tepuk tangan untuk diri sendiri )

Dorang tu aku anggap dihantar Tuhan di saat aku rasa sunyi macamni.. Lalu Tuhan bukakkan hati aku sikit demi sikit kepada jalan untuk mengenaliNya dan menyayangiNya dengan lebih lagi.

Aku harap keindahan dorang ini akan bertahan.

Dalam pada tu, aku ada berkenalan dengan seseorang yang sangat sangat sangat manja. Dia juga sangat sangat sangat menepati citarasa. Pandangan dia mengenai konsep hubungan tu je masih samar. Sebab dia masih muda. 19 tahun. Jadi let it go with the flow. Aku tak nak fikirkan sangat. Mungkin sedikit demi sedikit sayang aku akan bertambah untuknya.

Seseorang yang penting untuk aku ialah seseorang yang aku berusaha keras untuk menjaga hati nya. Ini kerana seseorang yang dijaga hatinya sudah tentulah seseorang yang telah lama dikenali dan mengharungi liku-liku pengalaman itu dan ini bersama-sama. Mengenai kehidupan saja lah. Yang lain-lain tu, tak tahu la pulak. Ada ke tidak.

Jadi sempena minggu ke 32 nanti, diharapkan kekuatan baru akan datang dan membawa banyak pengertian untuk kehidupan aku. Nak seronok sampai bila pun? Dah 31 dah umur aku ni.

Iktibar dari arwah Yasmin Ahmad ialah, kita tak tahu bila tarikh kita akan pergi sedangkan seluruh langit telah tahu. Tup-tup, tombang masa tengah nak cashkan cek USD1 juta Bill Gates sedekah sebab aku ni sempoi ke... Maner la tau kan... Contoh je...Contoh.... Tak ke ralat al-walat?? He he he.

It is a normal occurrence for anyone to feel exhausted with the journey they were into. The journey that have made them encountered various reason to keep them walking.

But at certain moment, they might be clueless on direction that they should go. In negotiating the route, intersection of changes keep appear on every designed distance whilst.

As long as the journey is jovial and surrounded by voices that brought happiness, these junctions are frequently passed with no concern.

But when comes the part of the route that crossing a silent territory, one will realize that they are actually moving alone. Option on reroute is too good to be true.

This is the time when they habitually look for intersections that they know it must be somewhere ahead, to divert their way so they could leave the creepy territory.

For a weird reason, the dark and eerie territory is still under the joy and gay jurisdiction but not everyone's route is designed to cross the social-centric districts, thus having their way passing the backyard of the happiness precincts that repeatedly thought as a road to nowhere.

Usually, when they've been led into this dim area, their souls underwent a massive rehab and the results always rely on the resolution that has been made whilst reaching the intersection that they longing for.

Will I turn back to the social-centric district? Or turn to the route that leads me out of the young and jovial state.

Notwithstanding the different state they might opt for, they actually shares the same communal sphere connected by the internet. But some are choosing to lead a new life and keep their past in their life archive.

When name is just a name, without any figure, any synchronized attitude and any corresponding communication that enliven it, it will forever remain a name.

It will be remembered as something that once giving shades on one's life or perhaps, pose an eclipse onto one's feelings that deteriorate emotions.

I did realize that I was happily congregate with so many types of people with so many kind of attitude that edified me with lot of lessons. I simultaneously getting serious on my conscious on what am I suppose to do next.

With two identity on internet which is one is the real me and the other is my pseudo, I am seriously thinking on eliminating the epithetic identity and move on with the real one.

The problem is, my real name is stand for an active young politician and to make it worst, I now realized that not everyone that I befriend with in this part of atmosphere is those that we can call a truly reliable pal.

I might go for a new life and keep my past in my life archive. I will close my pseudo identity account in Facebook and this blog will be renamed by next month. Abgdark will be a history of the online community.

Am I that strong? I’m afraid that I’m not !!!

Well.. I had sacrifice a lot for others.. just to ensure the other people get their right that they feel like being denied... OK, now the person has got back what belongs to him.. which is.. actually never being mine at all even on any single second, .. why must I be the one should take the blame now..??

I've learned that there is a phrase sounded like ' silent is golden '.... but when we keep our mouth shut... it only open a door for facts to be fabricated with bluff...!!

I've heard too much, and I've faced too much of childish attitude which I supposedly not encounter at this age. The super duper state of denial that rooted in anyone... might lead them into the act of blaming the person that they feel worth scapegoating..!

Ahha. There is a word regarding maturity I did heard. But is this issue has been handled in matured way at the first place? Never! Am I the one who spill the story all over the network and give a kick start on plain'ol sedition? Neither!

Seriously, I'm not loosing anything, not loosing anyone. I still have my friends who can give good advice but this issue supposedly to be something that not crucial enough for their advice to be sought on.

I'm sorry of being rude... but I can't stop myself getting mad to the worst level I ever had... I might not get Noble Prize for that God damned tiny effort which is actually a preventive measure, but deep inside, I did hope for a little appreciation... Worse enough, all I get is a confronting retaliation... and slitting throat enough, I was pleaded guilty by a 'domestic court' without trial!

I wish not to talk about this even for a single word but now the situation are crucial enough and it really calling my words of intervention.

I've been scapegoated to an unbearable level and being said, an actor.. well.. if I would make millions.. I'm really glad to be an actor... but I don't even made a penny... and still... I'm a penniless person..

What about sympathize words then... on friendship... on relationship... on 'siblings'... which is now clearly a mere baseless grouses that intending an attention and for that, who was actually having the drama script written ??

When someone had to let go something that they feel .. only by that noble way... it will avoid harm to any relationship... should he being accused as a wrongdoer ?? In this case, yes. I'm doing unforgivable sin when I give a strong advise about the right of the righteous. The importance to love the one who love you, and love the one who cares about you at any stake.

Okay.. the one that being skeptical must be misinformed ... but why must being way too unilateral in something that needs a good diplomatic skill... if the bilateral way is inapplicable! You don't bother to ask, I don't bother to explain. But what about turning me as a foe on one side statement which is totally made on denial basis? Wasn't it unmatured? immature?

Oh.. say that I'm now confronting with incapable people.. yes... but i have my right here to defend myself.. because I've been lagged behind way too far and just try to react when things has turned wrong.

Sometimes people are cussing others with words that actually suits to their own selves. I might list down here everything but I'm not going to.. but what would stop me??

Yes I am a human.. and you are a human too.. but the comparison might irrelevant when everyone knew how to adapt things but not either me or you..

Scores of words that should be in our circumference is now spilling out rapidly from your side ... and I cant stop myself to spill it out too... to make it balance... and now, there'll be two version which is one attacking and one is defending... lucky enough, i never wish to attack.. because that is so not me..

It hurts when your effort to educate, was badly replied with negative retaliation... It hurts even more when a bare simple lesson was taken seriously like apocalyptic happenings.,, thus, turned a bland situation into the sour one..

I've told to those who willing to be close to me like brothers, that I wouldn't take them as a friend anymore when delivering advice... why on earth someone ever dare to be one... when they actually unfit at all? Why don't just be a friend? Some are knowing me very well but some are not at all but they pretend like one.

I just can't imagine how my sole little brother that I've advised personally, strongly, in tearful emotion, can accept that it is my right to lend him an advisory dictation... in a brotherly manner.. But now, I can't imagine that someone with shallow comprehension on this conceptuality is now confronting me in a rude manner... Well, thanks. That was doubtfully the first and definitely the last.

So, if the damned retaliation would inspire happiness in the relationship of the whom it may concern, keep it up. Truth remain as truth.. When it come the moment, it will revealed.

Now is my turn to set a full stop right after the coming up 'r' letter.

Takut? Segan? Malu? Kalau takut, segan, malu, baik jangan. Sebab bagi aku, kalau sampai je ke benak hati aku perkataan "takper la, takmau la, tak boleh la," dah tentu aku akan menghadapi kemaluan..ops.. maksud aku.. rasa malu.. yang amat. Kesudahannya, baik aku diam.

Orang kata, kalau tak dipecahkan ruyung, mana nak dapat sagunya. Salah yer. Pergi je kedai, mintak sagu sekilo. Bayar. Tak payah nak pecah-pecah ruyung bagai. Btw, apa kevendenye ruyung tu?

Dalam kes ni, aku minat sangat ngan seseorang yang dalam gambar di atas. Eh. Cemaner plak aku bleh salah save gambar siap crop ni. Haha. Ada.. ada gambar dia tadi.. cemaner plak leh jadi gini... ada la gambar dia tadi.. sumpah!! Pelik!!

Abaikan. Aku minat la ngan dia dan aku try nak dekati dia sejak pertengahan tahun 2007 lagi. Tapi.. baru-baru ni je aku berpeluang nak tanya itu ini. Tapi, sampai satu tahap, aku jadi gugup, kaget, malu, gayat, tak fokus, fobia, cuak, cemperet, cemengkeng, ceirebon, cilacap ( empat perkataan terakhir tu adalah rekaan semata-mata )..

Aku tak tau sebab apa aku boleh jadi camtu. Mungkin dia pakai pendinding kot. Tapi aku mana ada pakai khidmat mak esah atau pak esah atau sedara mara Aishah Ghani sekalipun.. aku cuma pakai skill mengayat aku yang tak seberapa dan skill aku nampaknya terbantut sampai disatu ketika yang aku sendiri heran kenapa boleh jadi camtu.

Agaknya, aku memerlukan dua tahun lagi untuk lebih rapat padanya atau mendengar perkataan indah ini : " Saya pun suka kat awak sebenarnya.." Waaa..

Buat masa ni, tak per laa.. aku tak berani go further. Kang terkena ayat paling tak bermaruah abad ini cemaner? Eg. " Hidung tak mancung, pipi macam kereta sorong." Aku sedar diri aku...

Selamat Hari Jadi
Macam-macam benda berlaku hujung minggu ni. Terlebih dahulu aku ucapkan selamat hari jadi kat Azham. Umo masuk 30 tapi muka macam 25. Sangat bertuah empunya badan. Hehe. Kita-kita ni la yang melanjutkan purata umur lelaki berkahwin di Malaysia ni. Sebelum ni yang aku tau, umur purata lelaki Malaysia berkahwin ialah 28.

Persahabatan
Konsep persahabatan pada aku sangat tinggi. Tetapi lebih rapat seseorang tu pada aku, lebih keras seseorang tu akan aku kritik depan-depan kalau ada benda yang perlu ditegur. Tapi sesetengahnya, tak boleh nak terima sesuatu teguran. Dan terus menganggap tak perlu lah keakraban tu diteruskan. Aku terima je pendapat. Memang hidup ni adalah untuk menyaksikan perkongsian pendapat yang berbeza-beza. Dengan networking kawan-kawan yang semakin mengecil, mungkin disebabkan faktor cuaca gamaknya, aku perlu mengadaptasi zaman tiga empat tahun dulu masa segalanya sunyi dan hanya kedengaran cengkerik berzikir sahaja kayaknya. Berzikir katanya.

Panas
Dua tahun lepas, secara kebetulan, lagu Rihanna bertajuk Umbrella tiba-tiba meletup. Memandangkan dua tahun lepas menyaksikan hujan turun dengan kerap dan tak ada pun kejadian rumput-rumput menjadi kering, maka sesuailah dengan lirik lagu Umbrella pada masa tu yang menyebut " its raining more than ever ". Tapi tahun ni, maaflah. Lagu tu tak sesuai. Sebab its raining less then ever lahhh. Jerebu lagi ada. Bahang panas pun menjadi-jadi. El Nino katanya.

Rasa hati
Sebenarnya aku tak tau sebenarnya apa yang aku fikirkan untuk diri ni adalah tepat. Tapi aku tahu, hati aku macam terpaut kat seseorang. Tapi aku tak tahu adakah pautan itu tepat. Pautan katenye. Macam "CLIK HERE" plak. Tapi yang penting apa yang bermain di hati tu, teruskanlah bermain. Sebab sampai masanya, segalanya akan terjawab dengan jelas. Jadi buat masa ni, biarlah aku menduga-duga je. Tak rugi pun. Hehe. Tapi kalau ada peluang, rasanya aku tak akan menjadikan perasaan yang tercurah menjadi sia-sia seperti yang pernah aku lalui sebelum-sebelum ni. Matiler. Sia-sia katanya. Lantakkan. Aku adalah aku. Kalau aku kata aku nak gi club, bukan bermakna aku gila sangat nak gi club. Lebih baik dari orang yang kononnya tak suka pegi club. Tapi akhirnya orang asyik terserempak ngan dia kat club. Teeet ~.

Rumusan
Hari jadi aku yang ke 31 makin hampir. Dalam menyambut hari jadi ke 31 aku, aku merasa semakin sunyi. Kawan-kawan makin sibuk dengan urusan masing-masing. Tapi seperti lagu Umbrella nyanyian Rihanna, sekali berkawan, kita akan seolah-olah take an oath and stick it up till the end. Walau apa terjadi. Tapi bagi aku kesunyian tu adalah peluang terbaik untuk aku memulakan hidup baru mungkin dengan teman baru yang aku masih belum pasti sama ada dia pun ada perasaan yang sama. Dia pun muda 9 tahun. Wau. Boleh je kan? Walaubagaimanapun, aku berbangga sebab aku lebih bersifat terus terang dan takde la hipokrit dalam menyatakan pendirian aku dalam sesuatu perkara. Ha. Gitulah rumusan dari keempat-empat perenggan di atas.

Ha.. apa lagi.. bertemasyalahhh bak kata Ramli Sarip. Dengan suara serak-serak basah dia tu, ada erti besar bila dia menyanyi lagu tu.

Bertemasyalah, setelah kau berusaha. Camtu la bunyik-bunyik lagu tu. Lagu yang menunjukkan masa untuk bergembira pasti akan datang juga bila hakikat yang benar, akan terserlah kebenarannya.

Kebenaran yang menjadi igauan buruk untuk aku bercinta lagi. Hampir semua yang nak kenal aku, aku mesti katakan " maaf, serik. ". Maka aku selesa berlegar tanpa terpasung.

Cinta tak perlu datang lagi kepada aku buat masa ni. Kalau nak datang jugak, datanglah nak.. kalau baik, eden sambut.. kalau menyinga, eden humban ke zoo la nampaknya.

Semua adik beradik yang menganggap aku ni abang dia, skang ni boleh la sandar kepala kat bahu ni kalau-kalau nak 'bahu untuk menangis di atasnya'. Haha. Macam kepundek je. La ni, dah tanpa ada rasa takut. Ye la. Ketakutan orang sapa yang tau kan. Tah memender la yang nak ditakut-takutkan.

Apapun, gosip lahanat yang tersebar pasal aku ngan si Acik tu, malas la nak komen lebih-lebih. Sesetengah orang kan, tekak dia tak boleh makan nasi. Tapi bila orang lain makan nasi, dia rasa cemburu pulak. Pastu dia buat la cerita nasi tu dari beras yang dibaja dengan taik. Padahal?

Ye la. Dah aku ni jiran belakang rumah si Acik, tentulah aku tompangkan dia kalau nak ke KL. Dah la budak sorang tu, ada adik beradik pun haram mandang. Selagi aku bawak kereta ni, tak salah kot kalau aku tumpangkan. Sok kalau aku naik Rapid KL, lebih ramai kita memeriahkan acara tumpang menumpang.

Orang Penang kata, DANGUIH la hangpa yang dok buat cerita tak tentu hala tu. Sampai ada yang jeles bagai aku dengar. Oh.. Come on la. World, hold on. Separuh KL dah tau benda bodoh apa yang dikecoh-kecohkan tahun lepas. Perlu ker kisah tu muncul lagi. Season II ke? Takde modal nak buat drama lain ke? Ahhhh! Go 'fly kite' la wei. Now everyone can fly ma.. Tapi, bak kata kawan aku yang cantik bertakhta atas Emerald Hill tu, "ADA AKU KESAH?"

Camni la, aku nak nasihatkan kat sapa-sapa yang suka dengki mendengki, tunjuk menunjuk, propa-mempropa dan odah-mengodah, rentikanler. Sebab hujung-hujung sok, yang malu, hangpa jugak.

Bagi yang dah dapat penjelasan tu, open up your heart what do you feel. (tetiba lirik Bob Sinclair). Harap-harap semua penjelasan merungkai persoalan dan permasalahan.

Sesetengah orang, tak dapat menikmati bau wangian yang harum dan lazat kerana TERLALU LAMA MENGHIDU BAU TAIK. Opppppppppppsssssss. Teeeeeeeet ~

What a hectic weekend I'd went through. Driving north to Ipoh, stay for less than 12 hours before shooting down to KL, just to have all my stuff packed and leave that 'mansion' that I've occupied for almost two and a half year.

Turmoil is depressing me further down with too much expenses to handle and too little to come into my personal treasury.

I took 2 days leave instead of strict regulation on absence due to the H1N1. I cant deal anymore with the time I had and the insufficient fund to settle out things.

I decide to move nearby to Taman Kosas on temporary basis. I'm eyeing for double storey terrace house for the next tenancy somewhere in Equine Park. Much nearer to Putrajaya and fuel cost shall halven the current expenses.

Imagine, renting a RM1000 per month double storey terrace house as a first tenant barely after it fit for occupation, spacious and not even a penny that we feel it really money-wasting even sometimes in rolling eyes, we realize that we had paid for the rent more than RM24,000 all this while.

Suddenly, a person that being accepted to occupied one of the room like 6 month ago, had made a deal with the houselord that the April 2009 rent will be paid on May without no one ever realize the fraudulent negotiation.

Few days before the May rental due date, he pack his stuff and sneak off the house and leaving the whole else in a total limbo. As the person that subjected on the tenancy agreement, and with the whole else that having no money, I absorb the cost on myself. Now that was the costliest monthly payment I ever paid. RM1250!

To add up the mess, the owner had issue out vacant-the-premise notice and today, is the final day we are here in this house. Hell I will never rent a house with a legal documents to sign on anymore!

I bear all this deadly cost and the result is I get my broadband disconnected by the provider, phone being barred, incomplete road tax renewal process, a month car installment unpaid and problematic OT claim. What else to come?

Well, this is written even before I was born to this world. Everything will going to be fine. I act cool because I will never let spontaneous human combustion killing me. If anyone ever encounter my flammable image, I suggest you a CO2 type of extinguisher.

It was a hot hot day in Ipoh as usual. When the clock strike 12 at midnight, I was rest on my back pending fall asleep. But suddenly at around 12.20 my phone ringing and Khailie was on the line, telling me that they, which means there is more than him, were at Hajris.

Okay. I agree to join them and take a fast bath and reached Hajris around 12.45 am. The not so cool thing is, none of them is there. I call for Nasi Lemak and Teh O Ais, consume it in the lowest speed that I could and still at almost 2, there is no Khailie and the others.

They must be informed that my phone line has been barred so I cant make any outgoing call or SMS. In a little bit frustration, I left Hajris and go to Tasek. SMS alert ringing to tell me at this time around, Iki asking me a reply on my location. Well, its a partly funtional celular phone you dumb. Cant you guys give a call?

I went back to Hajris and again, no one is there. I took a Nescafe O Panas and watching a kungfu movie on the projector screen with no attention paid on it. My mind telling me that from now on, trust yourself when he tell you, dont go, stay at home, have a good sleep.

After that, I went back to Tasek and hang out with whoever, ah luckily Syai and Latep is there. And when its about 4 am, I left Tasek for home.

Setting the abhorrence mode down, I determine not to lend my attention on an invitation made by a single call again.

Kelmarin, hari Isnin, aku balik awal. Sampai rumah 6.15 petang. Aku pun terus online MiRC. Pastu aku kenal sama sorang tu. Indah orangnya. Dia dok kat Presint 9. Dia kata dia nak gi KL jap. So dia ajak jumpa.

Aku pun pergi la ambik dia kat KL Sentral, bawak pergi Bt. Bintang. Sebab dia nak jumpa housemate dia kat Bt. Bintang kendian dorang nak balik sekali.

Kebetulan aku parking depan Pizza Hut, aku pun malas nak ke fast food mana-mana. Aku ajak je dia sembang jap kat Ara Lounge. Kedai Kak Ara tu. Aku macam biasa order air tin je. Dia order Teh O Ais Laici.

Tapi, bila dia tengok aku minum terus dari tin, dia berasa geli geleman nak minum air yang dipesan. Dia kata, dia takkan nak lepak lorong camni, order air kat gerai camni. Wah. Lalu Tuhan memberi bayaran cash untuknya.

" Eh! Calvin Thoo ! " ujarnya sambil melihat seorang lelaki Cina kurus kering berjalan menuju ke Ara Lounge. "Sapa tu?" tanya aku yang memang tak tahu sesetengah figura-figura tempatan.

"Hei. Designer la. Famous dia.." jawabnya lagi sambil terlopong melihat budak Cina itu duduk selamba dan melangut ke TV Kak Ara. Dalam hati aku, " Hah. Baru hang tau."

"Tapi dia tu classy lah. Takkan dia lepak sini?" ujarnya lagi dalam nada pelik. " Apa nak pelik. Kedai ni mandrem kuat menarik PLU. Classy macammanapun, pernah tak pernah, hirup jugak air kedai ni." jawab aku selamba.

Tetapi, perlepakan kami tak lama. Pondan tak betul yang selalu kendong buku cakap sorang-sorang tiba-tiba duduk meja sebelah. Haruman jalanan yang melekat pada badannya memaksa kami beredar.

Ketika membayar pada akak Indon waiter Ara Lounge, aka Indon tu berkata. " Eh.. Sayang air ni. Minumlah. Sikit je... tak baik membazir ". Lalu dia pun dengan serba salah menyedut sekelumit air Teh O Ais Laici itu. Ha. Kan aku dah kata. Classy macammanapun PLU tu, pernah jugak hirup air Ara Lounge. LOL.

Kemudian, aku pun balik dengan senyum simpul. Betapa sesetengah perkara, Tuhan bayar cash on delivery. Berhati-hatilah bila nak deliver kata-kata. Kannnnnnnn.

Hah!!!! Semalam aku balik kerja kul 7.30 malam. See. Sangat bagus kakitangan awam macam aku ni. Sapa kata kitorang takde kerja goyang kaki. Haha. Swine Flu ni asik balik lambat je.

Sepanjang pulang, MRR2 kurang jem. Heran lah. Selalu hari Jumaat terlalu hazabi bin hazami lah MRR2 tu penuh dengan kenderaan. Menjelang 8.10 malam aku pun sampai rumah. Sampai rumah plak, ramai la kengkawan budak-budak Ipoh ada. Diorang pakat-pakat nak balik Ipoh. Dorang ajak aku tapi MAAF, rukun Jumaat malam lom selesai.

Aku siap-siap terus gi rumah Maksu. Dan kami pun keluar jam 11.00. Awal yer setan. Maklumlah, untuk mengelakkan terlanggar kon-kon merah berlilit pemantul cahaya. Lalu kami pun minum Coke kat mamak longkangan di belakang Beach Club sebelum masuk ke LQ kul 12.00.

Kat sana, jam kul 12.15, orang dah seramai the whole Sat. Nite kat LQ. Haha. Kegilaan Jumaat malam Sabtu sangat. Takpe. Sabtu malam Minggu lebih baik orang tak ramai kat LQ. Lagu pun agak best sikit. Pastu ruang yang ada, lebih luas.

Benster ngan Aqmal pun ader gak. Pastu selepas merama-rama, aku pun lupa apa yang terjadi (taktik nak short cut la ni.. dah tau dah..).

Balik tu kena hantar Aqmal ke Pantai Dalam sebab si Danny tidur mati tak angkat telefon. ( Ko memang kan? Saja je.. ). Lepastu, terus kami gi tasik.

Kat tasik, kami jumpa sama Chumie dan sesi bicara hati ke hati bermula. Entah la uall. Bak kata betina dalam radio tu, "we fight we break up, we kiss we make up". Boleh? Tapi kali ni tidak lagi kot. So welcome to the SINGLE JUNGLE. Hiks..

Pastu, dalam kul 6.00 kami pun balik. Sambil aku melabuhkan kepala kat bantal, aku pun mengira kambing biri-biri. Baru sampai angka 8, aku pun tertido sampai jam 12.00 tengahari. Hanjeng kan. Sebab aku patut gi kerja kul 9 tadi.

Ah.. Segalanya dikatakan takdir. Semuanya telah menjadi sejarah. Hilangnya laptop berusia 5 bulan yang aku miliki.

Segalanya bermula apabila aku tak kunci pintu bilik. Kemudian nak dijadikan cerita, senja semalam, ketika tiada siapa di rumah, seseorang telah datang kerumah dan membuat 'semakan' dan 'rampasan' harta benda. Break in lah. Motif tak paham?

Dalam kejadian itu, hanya bilik aku dan di Mael yang tak berkunci. Instead of TV Mael jenama MAL yang tah aku tak tahu syarikat China mana punya produk, pencuri ini memilih laptop aku yang comot itu.

Selain dari itu, tak ada pulak yang diselongkar selain pintu closet aku yang ternganga dengan kain baju masih tersusun.

Di bilik Mael, tak ada apa yang hilang. Apa lah yang nak hilang pun. Bukan ada harta pun depa ni. Sport rim kereta lebih bermakna dari gajet-gajet IT.

Jadi kembali la aku ke desktop yang tak pulak dicuri malaun itu. Dan segalanya kembali ortodoks.

Aku tahu siapa yang mencuri laptop aku itu. Dah tentu dia adalah kawan-kawan salah seorang housemate aku ini. Malangnya nyonya yang suka busybody sebelah rumah aku, gagal untuk alert siapa yang datang senja semalam.

Adakah nyonya itu yang sebenarnya mencuri? Ahh! Kusut!!

Wa.. lama tak hapdet blog kan... Ye la.. busy menguruskan kehidupan yang mencabar katenya.. Mencabar apa? Entahh! Idup ikut putaran bumi je, mencabar la sangat..

Ujung minggu yang baru lepas ni disebut minggu clubbing. Clubbing ni bukan semata-mata nak menggedik yer. Clubbing tu semata-mata untuk memukul gegendang telinga dengan irama yang kuat, mengikut citarasa muzika pilihan sendiri.

Jumaat malam, pegi LQ tapi sesak sangat. Lemas. Sapa yang suka sesak ye tak. Sesak jalanraya, lambat sampai. Sesak nafas, mati. Sesak poket, makan megi. Sesak LQ, makin penuhlah pemandangan menggeletis dan sewaktu dengannya.

Tapi, hari Sabtu, pegi balik LQ. Kali ni Abang Im dan Arezeo ada. Campur Maksu kami berempat je. Berempat je, tapi sangat happening yer. Sangat-sangat. Sebab tersangat happening lah, kami bergambar di tepian jalan.

Semalam, menggagahi gak la ke Maison. Wah.. LQ + LQ + Maison = LQ²Maison. Haha. Aper saja la kan. Formula ha-pening. Sampai ke skang lum lagik tidur, terus masuk kerja. Tengahari yang tenteram ni bleh membongkang tidor, gatal gak nak update blog kan.

Apa-apapun, hujung minggu kedua bulan Mei 2009 ni memang meriah la.

Bercakap tentang HARI IBU, sebenarnya takde feeling nak ucapkan kat mak sebab tiap kali kalau ucap selamat hari ibu, for sure jawapannya " Alah! Nak muntah aku dengaq! Hari ibu ka apa ka, aku lagu ni jugak masak, basuh kain, sapu sampah! Hangpa rilek!"

Cukuplah ucapan Selamat Hari Lahir yang ke 63, 4 Mei lepas.

Malam tadi, aku tidor. Hehe. Sedapnya tidur time hujan. Tapi aku tidur dari jam 7.00 malam sampai 1.00 pagi je. Lepastu aku dikejutkan dengan panggilan dari kaum-kaum sosial yang lurus. Geng str8 katenye. Dorang kat Rum Jungle. Aku pun pegik.

Sampai sana aku pun lepak lah. Berjamu-jamuan. Segalanya kembali kepada sediakala. Orang kata kalau dah mula hidup baru, jangan di tenung-tenung dah benda yang lepas. Tambah kalau benda yang lepas-lepas tu belum sudah-sudah lagi sekuennya di siaran lain. Understand-understand je la yer.

Lepas bergelak ketawa seperti orang yang waras, walaupun ada sesetengah tu bilang, kalau minum hilang warasnya, aku pun melarikan diri dari situ dan singgah ke Oblique. Haha. Saja nak tengok kawan-kawan yang ada. Eh, wak masih waras. Warasss~

Penting yer merapatkan hubungan sesama kawan. Sebab friendship is forever. Ada relationship yang berakhir, kononnya nak ditranspom jadi friendship, akhirnya jadi friendshit akibat sikap serang menyerang tak tentu hala.

Oh ya, kelakar bila ada PLU yang mencemik muka bila mengetahui orang yang dia suka, meneguk arak. Tetapi senyum sampai telinga bila berluar-luaran dari tabii. Hahahha. Hawau kan. Alasan arak selalu menjadi soal sampai 7 keturunan padahal nabi masih mengaku umat lagi. Matiler statement.

Tapi ingatlah kawan-kawan yang tak minum. Bukan semua orang yang minum itu kewarasan dia hilang serta merta. Mungkin koling berkeadaan demikian tetapi tidak kepada social drinker.

Kalau nak berhenti minum tu, maybe makan masa tetapi yang pasti boleh. Cuba ko dapat masalah alahan alkohol ke, asid perut tak stabil ke, urat kepala sensitif ke, nescaya korang akan berhenti minum.

Atau cuba korang sembahyang tak tinggal, pasti korang akan dikikis secara alami, nafsu nak minum tu.

Tapi ketahuilah korang bahawa nafsu berluar-luaran tabii tu tak akan hilang kalau korang dah addicted pada benda tu hatta dah kena cucuk siplis 100 kali dan dah sangkut HIV positif sekalipun. Kalau tengok porno mat saleh, yang buasir pun gagah nak memuaskan nafsu lagi.

Lebih heran, yang sembahyang 5 waktu pun, tetap membuak-buak keiinginannya.

Jelak dah dengan ayat " Cukuplah melayan nafsu begini.. janganlah di tambah dengan minum arak ". Aiyo? Apa kah ini? Cukupkah melayan nafsu begitu? Kerat jari. Ada yang merakam lagi buat tontonan sendiri i.e. softcopy untuk tontonan di Padang Mahsyar. Gerand kan?

Inilah namanya MATLAMAT MENGHALALKAN CARA. Matlamat yang dibina demi kepuasan. Kepuasan yang dituntut atas nama apa?

Lu pikirlah sendiri. Sebab itulah dikatakan "DIAM ITU IBADAH" kerana "BISING ITU PENGHINAAN TERHADAP DIRI SENDIRI".

I try to keep it low as some might agree that I'll only babble on a defensive measure if I'm echoing the sound I heard in a similar self-centric melodrama.

It is not as easy as reformatting your disc space in forgetting things that so closed to you, mixed up your feelings, pose a hazard to your coolness and still you want it with hopes.

Hopes that later being subsided by your straight faced confess "This is me. And I'll always be me." So why I cant just be myself when everyone is proudly claimed that they'll never changed abit by other's advice.

Okay, its over. Yes it is. But it still not if I can have you without your never this and never that. It is still not if you can have me without pushing me to the corner of my limit until my word "KUSUT" is nothing to you.

It wouldn't hurt me this bad if your faith in me are strong enough and overwhelming the slanders that you get from your Mr. Story Teller i.e. the most trusted informer. Who the hell he is remains as a mystery for me and opened the dor for the day to come and make us apart completely.

Now, you'd let the whole blogosphere think that I successfully get you out of my mind by your baseless thought. When I replying your sarcasm on G4M forum previously, by not referring to anyone, you text me and screw me like I'd set you naked on public.

I never whine to anyone to refer to the fact that I contemplatedly cornered by your dilapidate fabricated accusation which has completely change my personality and that is never enough for maybe until I was yeilded completely on your scale.


Not every good intention come with good manouvre on hadling it. Building an orphanage with forced labours that cruelly supervised will end up more and more orphanage need to be built.

What you should ponder on is, why on earth, when everything is over, I feel like being a newborn country. This is caused by lack of your effort to low down your subjugation mode. Alarmingly, you're then, having your CIA KGB etc to ensure a tree will not walk off the lawn.

Should I feel this as a new dawn of a hopeful day, will you make it as a license to ensure I will drowned in a sea of guiltiness? You will never be able to.

Hi and apa khabar.

I was taken aback with responses by some of my blog follower on the reason of their skip-this-page attitude on my blog. Because of the English content.

Okei la. Aku tulis dalam BM. Campur lah. BM kejap, English kejap. Lagipun kat negara kita ni orang memang suka campur. Budak sekolah belajar bahasa campur-campur, boss-boss sembang bercampur baur, nasi dicampur, air batu bercampur, sayur campur-campur dan yang pasti banyak yang last sekali diiringi dengan 'champor' (kapoq baruih).

What've made my blog being pulled out of the blogosphere recently? Ada la sebabnya. Tak boleh tulis sini. Nanti bandit2 tu baca. Ahaks!!

Well, I decided to withdraw my "paktam2u" off the internet. It will remain in my Dashboard and for my view-it-in-sentimental-manner purpose. Segalanya telah tenggelam bersama kapal G4M. Dari kapal G4M lah, lahirnya blog itu and she deserve an euthansia. LOL.

That blog is a hall of controversy, fun, leisure, thoughts, info yang banyak sekali berkait rapat dengan G4M. Pada hari ini, hanyutlah dikau di lautan. Bersemadilah dikau bersama karamnya kapal G4M yang melanggar terumbu karang pada 18 Mac 2009 jam 8.00 pagi.

Macam sial je tulis campur-campur ni. From now on, I will start filling this blog with Malay content.

Its been awhile since I left this account without logging in. If I had an extra minutes given by the lappy battery and the high speed connection, I did went through this, my own blog and have a visit on house of my own.

This is due to huge demand on my politic blog ( which will be revealed by time ) that requires me to focused on it content. The overwhelming visits which a peanut for certain people is actually a trumendous acheivement for me.

The influx of visitors is due to Perak political crisis and Anwar's theory of coupdetat that applied by the BN to sieze the state from the PR.

In merely a month, the blog recieved 8,000 visitors and the numbers is growing.

Meanwhile, deep in my heart, I feel that my feelings for Wan is much translated on my hide-up. Friends' SMSes left unreplied and I wonder why, I can feel the bliss of solitary. The solitary that being a factor, turned me into a full time virtual politician that warmly followed.

Today is the third week of Wan's agony in KK. I did persuade him for posts at MSN and RapidKL which planning a mass recruitment from the notice published in Mingguan Malaysia last Sunday.

Thank to friends for alerting me on the lackadaisical move updating this blog :).

Ben, I will answer the tag someday.

See u guys. Miss you guys.

Spending too much time thinking on how Wan going to suit himself with ambience far from home, I decide to go home for Chinese New Year break. A mixed feeling between sad and pity and how on earth should I spend my 4 days break made me stick on the decision to return to Ipoh, where thousands of Chinese flocks home for their grand day.

Khailie called me around 10PM and I did promise to get along with them after I pick up one little guy that wanted to jump on my bandwagon for Ipoh. But I had to turned them down since Mael, my housemate urges me to depart excatly at 12 midnight. This coward baby want to tail me all the way north which end up I speed up leaving him after we had a late supper at mamak somewhere after Tapah.

We join the highway exudos at Slim River when bumper to bumper crawl turned still right at the interchange. In a sarcasm manner, yell at the PLUS fler "This is what we get with your 10% after midnight toll discount". The man smiles.

I decided to get hurry by entering the Highway at Gopeng but end up stucked at Ipoh Selatan Toll for about 30 minutes.

When I reach the housing estate, the place where I belong, I found that Butik's car is not there at his house. I called him and he said that most them are still at Shuttle 8 disco in Ipoh. What? Its 4.30AM bastard!

When I arrived at Shuttle 8 gate, they are about to leave but waiting to welcome me home. Some in tipsy and most are drunk. Few of us went to Nasmir Ipoh Garden and few seeing nothing but bed.

After testing Maxis Broadband at Ipoh Garden, I found the signal was UMTS. That is way much greater than what I expected. When we stopped at Sunway City near Lost World of Tambun which is 1 km from my house, the signal is UMTS and HSDPA. Oh my! I really love this.

When I test it at my home, it turned to be GPRS. What a foolish consolation.

Last night, I was thinking how it gonna be when he was no longer here. I cant fall asleep as easy as usual. Early this morning, I saw him cleaning up his room and get the luggage ready. Both us went out at 11 and stop by at Cyberjaya having our lunch accompanied by Kuzuto and his mate.

We arrive LCCT around 1.10PM and I cant hide my sadness anymore. But I managed to hold my tear from falling down in crowds. This is the day. The hard day to go through. The day that I fear since weeks before. Finally we are on the seconds to get apart.

The carrier charging him RM205 for a 28.4kg luggage which is luckily I have the amount that he forgot to withdraw his. He went to the departure hall at about 1.45 which is the moment that I must realize, he is now taken by the wide distance, away from our regular meet-up days. The least I can do is to hug him tight and let him go.

At 5.15PM, I recieved his call. He is now safely arrived in KK. From his voice I can hear the sad feeling, far away from home, lover and fear of a strange place. In summary, it creates the feeling of emptiness.

Dear, I do feel empty as how you feel now. Emptiness is something that we can't share. All we need to do is to gain strength to fortify the patience, upon waiting the arrival of the day for us to hold each other, the day that from now, we going to defy uncertainties to ensure it will come, like how this fateful day coming.

IF YOU'RE GONE

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

Matchbox20

The day for both me and him to face the greatest test of our relationship is approaching. It is so near that I could feel the moodiest moment is transiting in. I feel like how it gonna be living in solitary. Like I could feel what he would feel there soon, 1,500km away.

He told me yesterday, in his glassy eyes, that he will have no one to talk to on this matter. The matter of something you love , yet you cant touch and see before your eyes, but only could hear voices. He said, here in KL, I still have our friends to talk to, to say my whine and grouses about the unpleasant situation imposed by destiny upon us.

Sometime I feel like want to stay away off our friends, sharing the loneliness he gonna pass through. I feel that I need to feel the same as what he feel over there. But could I justify everything in the way that I never know wether it is good or bad for both us.

Tomorrow, Wan will fly away to Sabah. He said he wouldnt be long working over there. But how long is not long? The tense is optimizing.

Last nite I was offered an Acer lappy with a killing low price at RM700. After a tactical bargain, I get this notebook for RM600. Manufactured in Jan 2008 it was a year old laptop that worth 'lanyak'.

After sending Wan to Hentian Putra, I drove straight home. Wan took 11PM bus to Dungun, to meet his family before he'll be flying to Sabah next Tuesday.

Prior to that, I've booked an Air Asia flight to Kota Kinabalu for RM190 including the return ticket. I'll be going to KK on Feb 26 to March 3 and will be staying at The Beach Lodge foer 5 nights that only cost RM225. That will be my first time landing in Sabah.

Now, I was in Hajris, Salak Selatan with Kuzuto having my dinner.